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I am 50 and have fallen in love with a 28 yr.old

by midlife man from NJ
(Edison N.J.)

I am a 51 year old man who has been married for 26 years. I have a good job, as does my wife. We have 1 child who is 23 and out on her own. I guess for 20 of those years I was the perfect father and husband. Everything I did was for the 2 girls in my life. I was an able provider,lover, problem solver, support system person. People look at me as the ideal Father and Husband.

Back in 2000 things started to change. My wife started to suffer from depression after moving from NY to NJ. I chose to fully support her in her quest to find a cure and feel better. She quickly became dependent on Meds to feel better. We discussed the side effects and agreed that meds would be a short term fix and that another form of treatment would have to eventually take hold. This never happened. We begin 2012, still married and my wife more dependent then ever on anti-depressants and sleeping pills. The side effects are well documented, complete lack of sex drive, weight gain, lack of sleep, mood swings. My wife was becoming a completely different person and the effects on our marriage have been profound. She went from being a very attractive size 6, to a still attractive size 16. She has zero need for intimacy.

After 5 years of no sex. I was contemplating leaving her. I had needs that she clearly had no intention of taking care of. I thought about trying to have an affair but I just don't have the head for such a thing. I found myself talking to a co-worker and was told about a type of escort service. A service that is called GFE..Stands for Girl Friend Experience..I thought long and hard about trying it out. I did research about disease contraction. My findings surprised me and I decided to try it out..Amazing!! I could pay a beautiful young lady between $225 to $350 for an hour of passionate love making. To me this was a winner. My only fear was becoming addicted to this and spending money I didn't have. To my surprise I only did this on average about 4 to 6 times a year. This went on for 5 years. Then one day I knocked on the door of a young lady who would change my life. She was different then all the rest. She was Beautiful,held a great conversation, and was super passionate with me.She was a single mom and only worked 3 to 4 days a month.Three years later and I have seen her some 100 times. About a year ago I started to think about her 24/7..I realized that I had fallen in love with her. We became very close and I cherish every hour that I have spent with her. I expressed my feeling to her and she has made it clear that, yes she cares for me but I am just 2 old for her..I know she is right but I still live in a fantasy world..I tried not to see her anymore but that lasted about 2 months. I now try not to see her so often but she consumes my thoughts every day. Back in August I was seen with this girl by a friend of my wifes and I had to tell my wife everything that has been going on..We are in counseling but really nothing has changed. I have the last year been drinking a lot more then I should, Ive spent around 7,000 this year seeing her and I don't seem to care. I am destructive toward myself.

I know that my wife, who is maybe the most selfish, one-sided person I have ever met is not about to change, and that I should leave her and start a new life for myself..I just can't seem to get up the courage to hurt her.. obviously our relationship is a lot more complicated then what I can write here..I know I should forget this young lady, but I can't..somehow in my wacky head I envision us together some day..I don't know how to stop this!!!What can I go for help..I am a mess.

Noel's response

I am not sure what to suggest, except that, as the young woman says, you should move on. Your infatuation with her is most likely not love, but rather your projection onto her of the 'ideal lover'. This is not to say she is not attractive, etc., but rather what you are 'seeing' is not really her. I have a chapter about this in "A Harley Or My Wife". You mention drinking a lot recently, and that can add to the sense of infatuation.

If the marriage counseling has not helped, you may have to make a decision about whether you want to stay in the marriage, know that if you do decide to leave, there are financial obligations, etc. to be dealt with.

You may want to get some therapy on your own to help you figure out what to do.

Comments for I am 50 and have fallen in love with a 28 yr.old

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Feb 03, 2012
turn around
by: Anonymous

I also feel what is happening to your wife is she is in this state because of your lack of care or affection ,which you have admitted yourself you have given away to someone else ,who by the way needs to live differently for her own good.If your wife felt your love and validation and you devoted yourself to the correct relationship I know you would be amazed at the turn around and love you would find and enjoy there. Your marriage is worth it, do what it takes and care enough for your wife.Help her lose her weight,have fun doing it,make her your priority.

Jan 14, 2012
Seems like time to move on
by: Anonymous

It seems to me that you do not understand depression. Your wife is not self centered, just because she hasn't become well on your schedule. Many people who suffer from depression need to stay on meds for life. Nagging her about taking what can be of help and insisting on alternate therapies is cruel and seems a bit controlling. You are not her doctor. If you feel your situation is intolerable then stop trying to change her or live a double life. You are not doing her any favours by staying. Do the right thing and end it as maturely and compassionately as you can. Stop the the blame game. This will not help you move forward or your wife get well. Since my hubby moved out even though I am sad and still care for him, I actually feel better about myself than I have in a long time I do not miss the criticism. THen you will be free to chart your own course and take responsibility for the outcome all on your own. I am told this is a good thing and it is advice I often hear given to wives when their husbands leave. Good luck.

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