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I need clarity...Help

by Bev
(South Africa)

I'm a 27yr old woman and my live-in boyfriend just turned 50. I found out a couple of weeks ago that he cheated on me on several occasions since we've been together. He admitted to everything, but says that he's changed and wants only me. He tells me that he has always had these walls around him and never thought that any woman could love him for who he was and its always been a pattern for him to screw things up before he got hurt. But now he realizes that I do love him for who he is. He's truly remorseful and begged me not to leave and says he will do anything I ask of him. We have been together for 3 yrs and living together for 1 year and 3 months. I really love this man and chose to forgive him but I am still very hurt. He has agreed to give me the passwords to his laptop and phone and he agreed to us going to counseling. Could this have just been a phase or do I need to run for the hills. I do see that he's trying to gain my trust again, but is this also just a phase he's going through?

Please tell me what you think.


Noel's response

I think you are on the right track by going to counseling. As you work with the counselor, you should be able to tell for yourself whether you should stay or go.

Comments for I need clarity...Help

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Dec 14, 2011
Grab and Run!!
by: Anonymous

I am 32 and my partner was 53. We spent 4years together, lived together etc. We had a 'perfect' relationship until I discovered the dateing sites, flirting on FB. Emails. All the signs! I never once expected it from him at all! Heart broken I confronted him to be told I'm reading to much into things. I left him and 2 days later there was another woman in our bed. Like a fool I gave in, believed the I've changed and I'm truely sorry and went back. Things where great for the first 3 weeks until I realized he was just being more careful. Thank goodness for itemized cell phone bills!! Moral of the story.. They never change and it will at some point happen again. Once that trust has been damaged that's it - there will always be that doubt that eats at you day and night and if you happy to live like that well then good luck to you!

Dec 06, 2011
Similar story
by: Anonymous

What I would do if I were you I have been in a similar situation like you and believe it is not worth the effort. Those men will never change. I am 26 and have been for 1 year with a man of 42 who even though I did not discover anything I am sure that he would cheat on me if he had the chance (I have checked that). I am beautiful , attractive, intelligent and I look like his daughter! But he would still look at women old and not so attractive if they seemed to pay attention to him. I simply think that these men cannot really love another person and the only thing the care for is sexual VARIETY. So when they start being tired of you they will always look somewhere else.

Of course he does not want to lose you because for him you are a catch (as I was for mine). And most importantly they feel it when they are really loved and they do not want to miss that. But if you choose to stay (if you love him so much) you should accept the fact that he will do that again and again and the only difference is that he will try you not to discover it! If you can live like this then go for it. I could not tolerate his ways and this is why I was constantly breaking up. Of course, he was trying to keep me and convince me that he changed , that he loved only me etc. but things always ended in the same way (I would always discover something again!) In the end I got really really hurt when we broke up, because I was really in love. So my advise for you is to try to do what is best for you! And I am sure that deep inside you you known what is right for you.

Nov 27, 2011
by: Anonymous

Ladies you dont get it. Men are very complexed.. i have been married for over 17 years, we go through high and low points.. All you have to do is show us you care.. hold our hands, tells us we look nice, smack our butts as we walk by, these things will make us feel better (as it does you too) and we will be so much happier, we to need to be romanced..

Nov 27, 2011
confused and hurt
by: Bev

Can a man who has cheated, not only once but countless times ever change! I read the emails he sent to these woman and my heart just sank. He says it was all bullish and he was in a dark space and didn't mean any of it.

I know I've chosen to forgive him, but could my staying with him be a mistake?

What I also don't get is, he was cheating with older women who had 2 or 3 kids and he's not a kid person. I guess I'm just confused as to why he did it cos like I said, I'm 27, beautiful, intelligent and we have a lot in common.w

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