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I'm 46 year old male, 25 years married, and have fallen in love with a 21 year old male

by By A

Since I can remember, i have always had an attraction to the same sex, I just denyed it, however it never went away. I did what most men do, got married early, 21 and jumped into the role, and have played the perfect part for 25 years. I have been a faithful, loving and supportive husband. A great father to 3 girls. In most ways, I have lived what could be considered the perfect life and the perfect family and marriage. My attraction to the same sex has never gone away, it has only gotten stronger. I found myself while making love to my wife, fantasizing about have relations with other men. Last year, I responded to a M4M massage, just needed to feel the touch of another man. After two massages, we began to communicate by email, text and phone. The time we have spent has not been all sexual, but talking, sharing live and just enjoying mutual activities together. We have gone away together on a couple of trips, and have enjoyed each other. I have become almost a new person, life has started to have meaning again, I look forward to waking up, and enjoy the new me. My friend and I communicate numerous times daily, and have really become very active in each others life. My wife has noticed the difference in me and really suspects that I am involved with another woman. I cannot continue to live this lie, and must be honest with myself and others around me. I'm trapped and do not know where to turn or what to do. My decisions have consequences and will effect many. I have no guarantee as to the future with my friend, however our relationship has clearly brought to light that I need to make some changes. Not sure where to go or what to do.....

Noel's response

I urge you to think long and carefully before taking action. You are right that it will hurt many people.
I have a friend, now in his early 60s, who has known for years that he is gay, but has never come out, and never told his wife. He has no desire to lose his family, which would no doubt happen. He finds his family life rich and rewarding.
He too fantasizes about being with other men when he is making love with his wife. He has had occasional protected sex with men over the years, but has had no illusions about living a happy gay life with another man. Or perhaps he has not met a man he would want to share his life with.
I know the urge you feel is powerful, but again, think about all the consequences before you take any overt action. Life is full of tough choices, many of which have both positive and negative consequences.

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