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Is it Low Testosterone or A Crisis or What?

I am 40 years old and my husband is 47. We have been married for almost 19 years. We have had our ups and downs and a good sex life for the most part. Three years ago I confessed to him of an affair I had and he forgave me. I made my mistake because at that time I felt like he didn't really desire me anymore and I lacked attention. We would have sex but it was more like going through the emotions. I would roll over to get him to kiss me at night and he would just give me a short peck and be ready to go to sleep. After I confessed of the affair and we talked about my reasons, he said that he would take responsibility for not giving me the attention I desired but not for my cheating. I understood and was grateful to be forgiven and having a second chance. During the affair, I had already started trying to make myself more appealing and working on my marriage at the same time. Which made my guilt even worse and really pushed for me to end the affair and confess to my husband. My ideas for making our life more interesting came from all the desires we had shared with one another and after watching porn together for numerous years. So, we started meeting couples through a swingers website and going to private sex clubs. We had our rules of engagement so to speak. I was not allowed to be with another man period but could be with a female both in his presence and alone. We could also have a threesome with another woman. His thought was that we both had interest in being with another woman but he did not want to be with another man. Being with another man was not really what I desired anyway, so I was fine with that. We did have once couple that we did a full swap in the same room with a couple times and were mutually okay with it. The other couple had issues later on and we decided not to do that anymore because there are too many issues that can arise. Even after my confession, my husband still wanted to pursue our adventures and said they had nothing to do with my affair. Which the two were not really related. But I did do a good bit of it to make his fantasies come true and make him happy. I felt very guilty about what I had done. I went to extremes to make myself more appealing to him such as the sexual adventure and I had body piercings done to my nether region, belly button, and finally nipples; knowing that those were things he had always said he would like for me to do. I liked them too, don't get me wrong, but a girl really has to have a big reason to have courage to have needles put through her nipples! We scratched that itch, and finally quit doing some of those things. We might go to a club or have visited with one couple in the past year for the girls to have a little fun in front of the guys but really have not done much. Now I'm going through something new with him. At the time of my affair he had been looking online at porn and craigs list ads for women seeking women and such. That's how I knew his interest. We had been without internet in the home for about 2 years and I recently decided to bring it back because our children need it for school work and such. My husband now goes back online almost every night. I checked computer history to see what he looks at and he spends most of the time looking at all kinds of porn. Which, I don't have a problem us watching some together or him alone, but it makes me feel inadequate sometimes with his frequency of looking and with wanting to watch a DVD almost everytime we have sex. Plus, he deletes his history. The icing on the cake is that he also went on Craigslist to look at women seeking men ads and the Ashley Madison website which has the intro.. life is short, have an affair. We have always talked about all of our fantasies and shared so much with each other; I just don't understand the need now for this or for hiding it from me. I feel like I have done all I can to make him happy sexually. I know he love me. I think his age is taking a toll on him physically and maybe mentally too; I don't know. I talked with him and gave him a chance to tell me if I have done anything to make him have any doubts in my faithfulness or anything. I didn't tell him all I know about his browsing lately. But I wanted to give him a chance to tell me what is on his mind. I said that I love him and want to make sure he knows how much he is appreciated; and that I just wanted to talk to him because I felt like something is not quite right or bothering him. I also said that he lets me go places alone and use my cell phone without questioning it. He said he was fine and if he didn't completely trust me or had any doubts he wouldn't let me do those things. So the next couple nights, he browsed but didn't go to the affair sites. He did look at pages about helping low testosterone and male enlargement pills (which is not an issue with me). We don't have sex as often as we use to but it is at least once a week on average. Our kisses have lost passion and foreplay is just not much anymore. Not every time but most, porn is watched before or during. He doesn't really have a problem getting hard but occasionally he hasn't been able to ejaculate. We had previously talked about him feeling like his libido is low and he took some natural pills for testosterone levels. But this latest look, he deleted as well. I could understand if I was a prude and didn't try to maintain my appearance or try to do all I can sexually for him; but I am at a loss right now of what is going on with him. Is he tired of me? Does he want an affair or is it just curiosity? Is it just a midlife crisis or low T? What should I think and do? I don't want to be like his parent and turn the internet off, I want him to feel like a grown man with choices. Can you please give me guidance. I apologize this is so long, but I didn't know how else to put it into words. Thank You

Comments for Is it Low Testosterone or A Crisis or What?

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Jun 17, 2015
Good post
by: Maye Daugherty

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Noel's response
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Jan 19, 2015
Low Tor a Crisis or What?
by: NWF

Well my dear, I have a few comments for you to consider. 1) he wanted you to only be with a girl or a 3-some. That is called control and low self-esteem on his part. He didn't want you to be with another man but he could have a 3-some? What were you thinking? He is being totally selfish..and you went along with that? Geez! (2) He does not want to have an orgasm when he is with you? That is because when he does, he will have feelings for you and right now he does not want to feel those feelings. (3) just a midlife crisis? Are you kidding me? A MLC is a serious problem, not as simple as buying a new sports car or watching porn. Check it out thru Google. (4) he wants stronger erections. He is searching the sits for another woman. He is regressing to his teenage years and this is not a good regression by the way. It is a sign of MLC in the making! It is a sign of low self-worth and low-level depression...looking for someone to rub his ego and validate all of his complaints about you. You need to read about Boundaries in Marriage, you can find that on Google also or at the book store.
He will start to blame everything on you very soon and get distant, more so than he already has. This is not your fault! Stand strong for your values and do not let him walk all over you. He will and he has already. OMG! Where are your values? There is a very good web-site, full of information on MLC at: The Hero's Spouse dot com. There is heading with MLC info (articles) to start you to become knowledgeable on the subject but if he is heading that way, and it sure sounds like it, there is nothing you can do to stop it. He must go thru it, it will last a long time and it will be devastating to you, your children, and your family! Find a trustworthy best friend and hang on tightly. You are in for the ride of your life....sorry to tell you this. Get strong, for yourself and your kids. You will need every bit of strength that you can muster. HUGS!!!

Jan 18, 2015
Low T?
by: Noel

It is possible that your husband has low testosterone levels, and that can be determined by a blood test by a qualified hormone doctor (most regular GPs don't have the necessary training for check for hormone levels and prescribe proper amount.
If a person is going to take hormone replacement therapy it is important they use bio-identical hormones in the appropriate amounts, as hormone s are very powerful and tiny amounts are all that is needed.

It is also possible that you and your husband could benefit from sex therapy. Watching porn together can be titillating, but too much can be hard on you sex life.

Hope this helps a little.

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