Just a huge sigh and unfair feeling.
I'm a 44 yr old woman who has been dating a now 50 yr old man for about 4 yrs. We live about 1 1/2 hour drive from each other. We manage to see each other once during the week and spend the weekend together preferably at my house since there's more room. I have 3 kids and he has one.
I'm divorced and he has been separated from his wife for about 10 or so yrs. why they split I only know his side. I don't communicate with the ex. too far and there's no reason to - his daughter is now 20, in college, but she's very babied. They go batty over everything and anything for her because prior to having her they lost a son at 6 months old.
I also have a 20 yr old daughter who's not so, shall we say, babied. My daughter is more of a free spirit and would rather be out partying (not drugs) with friends and just carefree overall. His daughter doesn't hang out except in malls, with boyfriend, with dad, or with mom. When I met her I was very sweet with her and her with me. Until one of my boyfriends brother's passed away. Mind you this was a yr later and I had never met his family due to fact that at every family gathering his wife was always invited so he wouldn't go due to his own terms and obviously never took me either. Until this funeral. He wanted me to be there for him. And I was. Uncomfortable but I went.
There I met his family and quietly kept a back seat after meeting/giving my condolences. His wife was there with the daughter. Neither acknowledged me, which was fine, but neither acknowledged my boyfriend during the entire wake, funeral or departure. That was just rude being it was HIS brother that passed. He didn't have a talk with his daughter about her behaviour. Time passed we were invited to a few more functions -again couldn't go due to the wifey being there again and again. Another yr passed and another brother died - WENT to the funeral...this time the wife shook my hand and the daughter was talkative. had a service for this one at a church. I took a seat in a pew and he sat beside me...then here comes the daughter, sits next to him and then the wife. Here I am cornered inside the fricken pew. No where to go. LOL I was like WTF..but swallowed it up and kept to myself again. No harm done but I felt awkward.
Time passed thereafter and he comes to my house every weekend and I go to his apt during the week. In the meantime he's been to many family functions of mine - NONE OF my ex's are ever there - my family wouldn't do that and I wouldn't have none of that happen if it were the case. I always suggested for us to go to his family's things or for him to go alone if he chose and let the ex leave if she wanted.
Why should we or he not go because she's there. He would get infuriated and say how can I suggest such a thing! He clams up and doesn't want to speak on anything further. So I leave it alone and time just passes by. This yr prior to him turning 50 his daughter texted me which is never, about if I was planning to throw her dad a surprise 50th...I was planning to but hadn't started any preparations. She said she could help get names and numbers of his friends. I said okay thanks. a few months pass and I texted her being she's in college and may be in class or something...on that I need those names and numbers -being that his oldest sister volunteered to help me with the invitations and getting a place out their way so his family could go and not have to travel to where I live which would be too far for most. She also stressed
how she didn't feel his ex should go because he feels very uncomfortable whenever she goes to any functions and she wants her brother to be happy on his day. She said you are throwing this party and his daughter has to understand that her mom can't go.... So I texted the daughter to please forward the names and numbers to the aunt. She then didn't say 'sure' - she instead said is my mother invited? I said 'I'm sorry but no, I'm throwing the party and your father would feel uncomfortable if she were to go.' then the daughter went on a rampage of how I can count her out and she didn't care if I was throwing the party - they've been together for 25 yrs and they have a child together. so count her out. I tried explaining to her that it wasn't me who cared if she went or not it was her dad and how he reacts every time we got invited somewhere and he doesn't go. to please understand. She then calls him up crying and told him about the party and how I was texting her and it just go so ugly. His older sister and I cancelled the whole fricken thing. I was done with him and her.
He then about a week later apologized to me and said he would have a talk with his daughter. He did but it was very vague. She never speaks to me now -not that we even see each other being I live so far. He sees my kids every week. I have twin boys 10yrs old and my daughter 20. If they disrespect him in anyway I WILL IMMEDIATELY PUT A STOP to it right there and correct it in front of him and them. I don't wait months or yrs or weeks for the mediation to occur. I feel disrespected by him, his family and his daughter and I feel it's his fault. If he has a concern about my family or my kids or ME I hear him out right away. If I have the same he really doesn't want to talk about it...or says here we go again. I say 'again'? we've never even fixed it from the last time. Don't know how much longer I can wait for his divorce, his talk with his daughter/family or what have you.
When he's in my house it's all good because we get along, we have fun, he's great with my kids and my family and he's very handy, generous and helpful. But the bad side is he clams up when there's issues on his behalf and I don't feel I'm part of his family and I feel as if I am not respected when it comes to his side of things. I wait on him hand and foot, he's good to me. I give him his respect with my family and friends. I feel he doesn't give me my place as his woman - almost like he's trying to keep two lives. His family with his wife and my side with me...He's been trying to find work out where I live but that type of job is so competitive and he's been on interviews where he gets so happy thinking he's going to get the job but it nothing has gone through...Sometimes when my kids get really off the hook at times he's ready to give up on us.
But that's where I am in this 'relationship' hoping it grows but seems to be like this is it... weekend getaway for him and weekday getaway for me...not cool.
Just want some sound advice...Noel's response
I think you hit the nail on the head... he has two lives. He doesn't sound as though he is ready to give up his 'old family' for a new one with you. I guess you have to decide how much longer you want to put up with this. It doesn't sound so much like a midlife crisis as it does a man who doesn't want to take responsibility (or maybe let go of he 'ex-family').