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Mid life crisis

by Paris Hemmingway
(Denver, Colorado)

I had never really studied how to deal with someone like my husband who seems to be in a midlife crisis. He left me six months ago and filed for divorce. He keeps saying "she'll never change, I'm done". I have no idea how he wants me to change except bits and pieces from third parties. They say he hates being controlled and doesn't think I'm listening to him. I have no idea he felt this way because he has about everything any man wants-a home in the country, man toys like a tractor, bobcat, truck, etc. He was in business for himself and he liked the freedom of this too. However, recently he had to give up his business because it wasn't making money. My husband did say he would cry for no reason and changed his cell phone so that I couldn't see who he called. He said he needed space. Now, he's working at a job he used to do when he was 25 and seems happy with his life. He wants the country home we built as well as any money due to him. He basically has divorced his family since he doesn't talk with his sons much and doesn't see the grandkids. I just want him back still even though he has dealt with everything and everyone so terribly. I'm pretty sure there's someone else.

My questions are:
can the grown sons we have make a difference in his thinking? Should they just stay away?
What can anyone do?
I thought about sending a card to let him know I still cared and loved him. What do you think about this?
Does he still think about the life he had and if so is he able to think about the good things or is it all bad like he says?
I'm trying to make a life for myself. But, it's just so painful knowing that the man I love is out there possibly being tormented by his irrational thoughts.
Divorce lawyers don't care about the mindset of the spouse, so they aren't going to do anything about his "midlife crisis" or if they can what do you suggest?
I thought maybe if he could see that the money he would get from the divorce wasn't enough to retire on, then he would rethink the divorce which I never wanted.
After reading about "midlife crisis" they don't make a rational decision, so,it would seem that the money wouldn't matter is this by and large what you have found?

Noel's response

He does sound as though he could be in a midlife transition, which is a kind of irrational time.

As far as the adult kids, I would definitely not try to get them to intervene between you and your husband. They may want to try to re-establish a relationship with their father themselves.

You mention that he wants the country home, etc., but not what you want.

As for what he is thinking, no one but he knows.

You might want to talk with him (if the two of you are in communication at all) and discuss the splitting of your assets. Half are yours, and you also have a say about who gets the country home, etc. If he wants it, he will have to pay you for your share, and you will split all other resources. It may help him take a bit more sober look at the real situation.

It is good you are trying to move on with your life. You might also think about what YOU need in a relationship, whether with him or anyone else, because should the two of you get back together, it will not be the way it was.

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