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Mid-Life Crisis / Betrayed or Completely Selfish?

Married for 31 years, my husband's dream was to always build his own company. We never had children, but throughout our marriage, our love and commitment for each other helped us surpass the many hardships and disappointments that came our way. He always said that we got to keep going and never give up until we reached our goal and fulfilled our dreams.

Both being hard workers (however me mainly bringing in the money) one would think to consider to change whatever was not working in order to make it work and succeed? Unfortunately my husband didn't want to accept or hear of it, but I never ever put him down or made him feel that he was ever a lesser man as we always did things together and kept striving ahead.

Two months ago, my husband tells me that he is going to be 55 soon and has nothing and that I had the full-time job and he didn't love me, that he would split things down the middle and I should receive separation papers within 4-6 weeks. I was so devastated and numb. He than left me and moved in with a woman 9 years his junior who has a 15 yr old daughter from a previous 2nd marriage. I have not heard from him nor have I received any separation papers, but was informed that he is trying to sell his equipment and items that were both ours for money.

Isn't it funny how one can be married for so long and suddenly becomes an "x" overnight, just like that!

Question: Mid-Life Crisis?
Question: Any Remorse On His Part?
Question: Betrayed?

Sounds like a midlife crisis. My suggestion is you do whatever you can to freeze any assets you have a rightful share in so he can't sell them and keep (spend) all the money.

Comments for Mid-Life Crisis / Betrayed or Completely Selfish?

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Mar 13, 2015
Very Numb
by: Chime

How come there are so many of these horrible stories. My husband did the same thing like everyone else's. He is leaving me and my daughter for someone 20 years younger. They only talk on the phone and email for less than a week and he decides to leave us. I was very confused for a long time. I cried myself to sleep every night wondering what is happening. I'm not able to comprehend all of this and maybe never will. If midlife crisis is considered an illness, I really wish that they can find a cure for it.

Jul 11, 2012
Are you really sure there was nothing wrong with your marriaige?
by: Anonymous

As a therapist I hear much about long mid-life marriages "suddenly" collapsing.
What I have learned is that so many couples forget to communicate as the years go by, assuming that the life they always had will always be the same with no changes. Assuming also that the person they married will always be the same as when they wed and the early years.
Realistically it just does not work like that. In most cases the signs that someone is unhappy in a marriage can be spotted - if only the wronged spouse were to stop and have a regular honest review of their marriage and dialogue with their spouse - preferably before they split.
Why would a husband or wife leave if they were truly happy?
What was missing in the marriage to make an errant spouse stray?
The apparent callous indifference that the errant spouse shows is often not because they are indifferent at all but they cannot deal with difficult endings: the tears, the pleas to stay, maybe even the guilt etc. so the only way is to quit the marriage quickly.
Relationships require constant monitoring. Wives, husbands, I entreat you to stay in real communication with your spouses. You may just save yourselves a lot of heartache.
Noel's response
I couldn't agree more.

Feb 19, 2012
Flattered and Selfish and Stupid
by: Disappointed

My story is very similar, except my husband wanted to carry on living in the same house as me whilst having his affair. I started with divorce proceedings straight away, which he was very annoyed about.He thought we could have christmas regardless, with his grown up children and myself as though it was his right to have an affair. On the few times he spoke to me he did say he was flattered by this woman who was on her third marriage and had left him and was having an affair with someone elses husband for 4 years before starting up with mine!Even though my husband had taken a rented place with his girlfriend he still came home to the family house every night and started to play mind games and threatening me with petrol,boiling water,and a knife. It ended up me having to put locks on my and my daughters room so we could sleep more safely.(I had moved to a spare room.)Well eventually i got him to leave us in peace after him putting his foot out at the top of the stairs as i went to go down them ,tripping me up and only then did it really sink in the lengths this man that i was married to for 30 years and with 40 yrs would go to to have his own way. Over two years on i am at peace with myself and ready to move on. So i think there are some women that let the side down for their sisters probably a certain type of woman! Who knows - and men are just men -flattered,excited,bored with humdrum and think the grass is greener!
I am so disappointed that i put so much into my marriage. I think i would have got more respect if i had been more selfish myself!

Oct 16, 2011
by: Anonymous

Married 16 years, with children. We both have good jobs, traveled and he had carte blanc as far as activities, trips with the guys, boat etc. Out of nowhere he tells me he can't stand the fighting; which is a gross overstatement. We had occasional differences in opinions, but no fights. I come home a week later, his clothes and personal items gone. He moved in with a woman, who has destroyed 2 other marriages prior to ours, looking for financial security.
He showed up a week later with a property appraiser, the 2 weeks later with car tag transfer. Now 5 months later no further contact.
He is living with her, attending her family reunion and she is referring to him as her fiancee. His family has also stopped contact.
I'm hurt, devastated and don't understand what happened. He just turned 51. Is this a midlife crisis? How can he just pretend that I don't exist? Total lack of communication is so strange; is this common with men who have affairs or midlife crisis'? I just want to understand.

Oct 13, 2011
My husband left after almost 30 yrs marriage
by: Heartbroken

Nothing can prepare you for the shock when the person you've lived with for 30 yrs tells you 'out of the blue' that he is leaving and has met someone who makes him happy. I thought we were happy and I think he was until this woman showed him attention!
That was almost 4 weeks ago and he has no idea of the hurt he has caused to myself, our daughters, family and friends.
Everything seemed ok between us, weekends away, holiday abroad booked and for 12 months he was seeing someone he worked with.
Everyone tells me I will get through this and that I am doing well but inside my heart is breaking.
Any support will be gratefully appreciated.

Oct 11, 2011
Betrayed or Completely Selfish
by: Eileen

At anonymous on October 9 - Your words completely and entirely describe my life at the current time. As I said in my post, my husband and his paramour are already discussing marriage after knowing each other only 3 short months. From what I've read and researched, most relationships that start as affairs after years and years of marriage are doomed. My husband, like yours has his head up his ass, is acting like a lovesick adolescent and is irrational and unstable. Again - plenty of time for the new woman, not much time for anyone else - and complains he has no money. Whatever - you made your bed buddy, now lay in it.

Everyone tells me he'll come home crying with his tail between his legs. I have yet to see it and am slowing giving up hope. We were together 30 years, married 26. I still cry myself to sleep.
Best to you.

Oct 10, 2011
Married 25 years
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for what you're going through. I just experienced a similar situation in the past six months.

What is so mind-blowing is - one day everything in your life is fine and next everything explodes and you feel lost & alone. But what I have found out in the past six months is you slowly you start feeling better about yourself in spite of it.

My husband & I were not compatible and, although I tried, he pushed me away, didn't want to do things as a couple. He was verbally abusive, home life was absolutely awful - constant fighting & very tense. His marriage to me is his 3rd. He's moved in with the woman he's been having an affair with behind my back for the past year. Well, now I can finally say good luck to him. I am happy, have peace, love my freedom & don't have to put up with his verbal abuse.

Good luck to you. Remember one door closes but another will open.

Oct 09, 2011
All of the above
by: Eileen

My husband of 26 years left me for a girl he dated briefly his sophomore year of high school. He is 48, she is 47 - as am I. I say MLC, he says no, he just wanted to start a new life - the old one wasn't working for him anymore. I ask myself and God, on a daily basis (BTW, I am not a religious person), if he has any regret or remorse. I got the answer the other day when I found out that he plans on marrying this woman. He has known her for just over 3 and one half months. So much for regret.

I feel your pain, trust me. I've been going through it since the end of July of this year. From what I understand, many, many men go through MLC but not all act on it. I would label the ones that do act on it as selfish. Divorce should be the last resort, not the first. Counseling and reconnecting should come first.

I wish you the best.

Oct 09, 2011
midlife crisis/betrayed/selfish!
by: Anonymous

I know exactly how you feel! My husband told me he no longer loved me after 20 years of marriage and 4 years as friends prior to that. He walked out the door and basically said "see you" as if I was nobody important! He moved straight in with some woman he went to school with years ago, he's head over heels in love, apparently! All our past our history, means nothing to him, our children, he's not interested in them, his new woman has a grown up daughter, he makes plenty of time for her, that's very hurtful for my children but it is what it is, I cannot change it.

His head is up his ass! This woman is new, exciting, perfect, of course she isn't really he just thinks she is, he only sees what he wants to see, its pointless telling him any different, he won't listen. Everything is wonderful for him, his relationship is in the "honeymoon stage" but it won't last forever, reality will hit home eventually the novelty will ware off, if their relationship is meant to be, they will get through it and live happily ever after, if not then, I have no idea what will happen, too much damage has been done for me to take him back. Besides I no longer know him, he's changed so much, arrogant, full of self importance, head up ass!

I am moving on with my life, I suggest you do the same, be strong, be happy, live your life, don't look back, you will meet somebody new eventually, I will too! Think about yourself, your needs, you wants, your future. Hang in there honey, your in for a bumpy ride, its been 10 months since my husband wandered off but it gets easier everyday. I promise

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