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my boss and i have fallen in love and he's getting a divorce

I'm 37 and my boss is 50. We have worked together for over a year and have had a spark and growing connection that has become more and more strong. Finally, he asked me one day if I thought we should talk and I agreed to do so. When we finally did, we both revealed our feelings and admiration for one another. He informed me his marriage had been on the rocks for about four yrs and they were waiting to divorce until their kid graduated from high school.

We both wanted to be respectful of the sensitive situation however; he feelings were so intense and we simply couldn't deny them. We have never been intimate but have kissed a few times. He is in the process of divorce and its really difficult. We are both very honest people who want to do the right thing. We are planning to speak with the direct manager tomorrow regarding the situation and put everything out in the open.

I never in a million years would have thought I would be in this position but I am. As much as we tried to deny the connection/chemistry, it was and is impossible.. its far more than sex because we will not endeavor into those waters until he is moved out and the paper work is submitted. I can't help but feel sorry or bad for his wife. There is a "Female code" and I do feel that I have broken that for even speaking with my boss to the degree we dd. Bottom line is that when love hits, you really are struck and there's no denying it.

Would appreciate any feedback.

Noel's response

Your actions so far seem honorable. I encourage you to avoid sexual intimacy until his divorce comes through.

Comments for my boss and i have fallen in love and he's getting a divorce

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Jan 12, 2012
fallen for boss
by: jo

nwf you seem to speak with so much wisdom, you and Noel . I can't wait to find the next answer to the questions he gets. still hurts to hear of the selfishness, what has taken hold of this mans lusts, and desires, and passions? loving himself-- more than anyone, I believe that. what could be worse than to realize it. and he does. he wants what he wants knowing the hurt and heartache he causes. Thinking really anyone can make sense of it, when he can't come up with anything on his own to even sound convincing. all lies he tells, lies he convinced himself of, and knows now he can't fool me or his kids. the day comes when you just can't believe him anymore and that hurts. I read, " it's not that you lied to me, it's that i can't believe you anymore." I'd leave him, but i would only be hurting myself, I can't believe he cares about that in the least. not me, not us , like we were, that I'm afraid was lost a long time ago. It's a front to his family and friends and neighbors and church till he figures out what he can really do about anything. or til someone else crosses his path I don't believe they will mean as much as what the other one did., but he is still trying to prove "so what-I can and have handled it" somehow he is trying to still prove something to himself, and angry that I don't buy it. still him against the world, and seems if things blew up in his face once he is more ready to face the winds this next time. ready for the next turn in the road, and if i don't hang on it certainly won't be with me.

Dec 12, 2011
He loves himself more than anyone else...
by: MSR

He loves himself more than he loves his wife, his kids, or you. When you are with someone you love, shouldn't they make you a better person... not do things you know are fundamentally wrong? I was the wife that was left behind. My ex told another women he met during his travels at work that he had also been miserable for the past 4 years. He NEVER said anything to me about it. We had struggles that any couple had, but every night he would call and tell me he loved me and we would talk about our future together. He would tell her how difficult things were at home, how he traveled because he didn't want to be at home, and how special she made him feel. He does not know what he wants and he is looking toward you to "save him". He is trying to redefine who he is through you because you don't know his baggage like his wife does. His children will suffer and you are contributing to that suffering. My children are now in weekly counseling,struggling with feelings of abandonment. My son says that he does not want to be like his dad, which is a sad goal for an 8 yr old. Could you truly be happy knowing that your "happiness" was based upon the unhappiness of so many? When a man leaves his family for another person he will eventually repeat the pattern because he has not addressed the fundamental issue-his unhappiness with himself. There are two sides to every story. If he was so unhappy for so long, why didn't he leave on his own instead of doing it when you came into the picture? I know you feel the love for him you expressed and I do not want to belittle your feelings, but realize that he doesn't know what he feels, he just knows what he feels right now. I did not make the divorce difficult for my ex. Did it hurt...YES! Do I cry for the family my children will never know...DEFINITELY! Do I wish things would be different now? NO! I am thankful that he left now and I feel sorry for the "other woman" because she is "buying damaged goods". Do you think a man that would walk away from his family and their life would be completely dedicated to you? Whenever you hit a rough patch, worry that you would be the one receiving the "goodbye" one day. I believe my ex and his "girlfriend" deserve each other. She thinks they are in love. I know him better than that. The first year or so is going to be honeymoon for them. After that, it'll be setting up house and the fantasy will wear off. You'll have to live with the fact that you not only contributed to the breaking of a family, but to your own unhappiness. Believe me...he loves himself more than he can love anyone else. TRUE love is selfless. Be careful that you don't compromise who you for a person that is emotionally lost.

Nov 22, 2011
just a married guy
by: Anonymous

i think your making the biggest mistake of you life he waited for his kids to graduate what are yours not worth it? the man you married an loved is your real friend grass isnt greener on the other side he is conning u this guy you told him what is bothering you to him so he knows how to out do ur husband think you should confide in your own husband not to strangers wake up keep what u have dont loose ur children husband

Nov 08, 2011
Fallen in love with boss!
by: NWF

His feelings are so intense because they are midlife transition feelings of infatuation/lust/not real love with another woman. It is this intensity that worries me. I would be very careful of this situation. How do you know that things have been bad at home for 4 years? These guys lie and deceive both woman. If things are really bad at home why is he still there? My guess is that they will be bad now and get worse due to you. You are giving him the emotional support that he is craving for. He will now start to be angry at his wife about every little thing. I do not believe that there has not been intimacy between you two yet and I would not tell this other boss about anything while it is still in the planning stages; it may harm your job. You are now the problem within his marriage. This is doomed to work out for you in the long run and I would walk away from this mans emotional confusion. Do not be the one that destroys his marriage. It will not last for you and you will damage your dignity and his. His kids will hate him and you for destroying his marriage. Leave him alone--he is a married man and he will lie to you for his own needs right now. This is only a temporary need for him. You will be the one hurt--and his wife will be destroyed. Do not do this!

Just my educated opinion, NWF (NH)

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