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My husband has an urge to be on his own.

The Question

Four weeks ago my husband came home and told me he had quit his job (although his boss talked him into staying)and told me that although he still loved me he was no longer in love with me. I never saw this coming.

It turns out he met another woman six months ago and committed emotional infidelity, although they have not had sex they have done other things. He said she gave him positives when he had nothing but negatives at home.

My mother passed away two years ago and was severely depressed and apparently pushed my husband away.

I also had surgery recently and was petrified I was going to die and talked about it openly. It scared my husband and unfortunately he built up a brick wall to protect himself. His mother passed away 6 months ago. Along with my issues, this pushed him over the top. The company he works for is also in trouble. He says I created too much negativity in his life. He constantly told me he has this overwhelming desire to be on his own.

After numerous nights of him drinking, throwing cruel words at me, late night discussions I told me we had two options. He could stay here and we try and work this out, or he could move out and we try and work this out. He told me he would decide what he wanted to do when he wanted to do it.

I told him he would be able to leave on Saturday when our daughter went back to college. He didn't answer me, but I knew in my heart it would be best for both of us. We were emotionally killing each other.

Saturday came around and he left. He has now been gone for a week and half. It is so hard. I do not call him, only respond to text messages he sends me and e-mails he sends me. He is still drinking, smoking and walking. He is staying in a hotel. Although I have no idea where, as he said he doesn't want me to know where he is, he wants his space from me. He called me tonight but he seems to be no further along in his process of finding himself. I told him that I wanted our marriage to work, and he said he has to sort himself out first before he can think of working on us. He did send me a text yesterday apologizing saying he has screwed up both of our lives.

I want my husband back badly. I am doing everything I can to give him his space, but have no idea when he will be home.

I do not know what to do to help my husband and am at my wits end. I love him dearly, although he never says he loves me anymore, so I haven't told him for fear of pushing him away from me.

I have given him his space and have no idea what else I can do. I so want him to come home to me. Please help me..........

Noel's response

I think you have done what you can for the marriage and for him. Now figure out what kind of relationship you want with him if he does come back, as it will need to be different than it was before he left, or nothing will have changed.

If he is willing to go to marriage counselling, that is a good choice.

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