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My husband left after 20 years of marriage!

by Bewildered!

I am so confused! Ten months ago my husband announced he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce, he had been distant with me for approx 3 weeks prior to the announcement. To cut a long story short, he moved after much crying, his tears not mine, I was to bewildered to even think straight let alone cry! He came clean 3 months later, told me everything, he had come across a woman he went to school with 33yrs ago, (on a social networking site) they had exchanged emails for two weeks prior to him leaving, met for a coffee, hit it off and realized he no longer loved me, left and moved in with her within a couple of days, she had been on her own for 8 years. After less than week he told me they fell madly in love and are meant to be together blah blah blah! He continues to pay the mortgage on our home, maintenance for our son, although I don't know for how much longer as he has been spending money like water, he has run up huge debts entertaining this woman, two holidays, days out, nights out, new clothes for himself etc, etc. He stopped visiting his son, apparently he has no time, too busy. His behaviour to me is very odd, Iam beginning to wonder if this is a mid life crisis he's going through, everything he's doing is so out of character, its almost as if he is reliving his youth with this woman and trying to forget about the responsibilities of being a husband and a father. The last time we saw him was one month ago, he looked so thin and gaunt, quite, unhappy I guess. I have tried to talk to him, he just gets angry with me, blames me for everything, its all my fault. This woman I feel is manipulating him now, as she is well aware he has no where else to go, I really feel she is making demands on him to keep him away from his children and myself, it sounds pathetic but I think he's feeling pretty low at the moment, the money has run out, the parties over basically its now the reality of what he has done, I don't know maybe the novelty has worn off. I have asked him if he wants to divorce now, his reply was no, there's no rush. I have decided to back away and leave him to it, in the hope I guess he will come to his senses sometime sooner rather than later! My question is...does this sound like a mid life crisis or have I got it completely wrong and he's just gone mad or he is or was infatuated with this woman!

Noel's response

It sounds like typical midlife crisis behaviour. I suggest you take whatever steps you need to in order secure any assets you have (e.g. house, joint savings) so he can't spend that too.

He may or may not 'snap out of it' when the 'honeymoon' period of this relationship is over.

In the meantime, get on with your life assuming you will be without him.

Comments for My husband left after 20 years of marriage!

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Sep 12, 2017
We were together for almost 18 years.
by: Anonymous

I was eight years older than him. But we sort of grew up together. Dated for thirteen and finally married. Lasted for 5 years. We started with nothing but we both made something out of our lives. He knew I wasn't keen on having children. So he let it go. We traveled bought a home. We had the life. We loved our inlaws dearly. The last year he began to drink. Lied about seeing his family. I trusted him. He came home late and out of character he seemed depressed. I thought is was work related. One day after fighting with him to come home early and sober a woman called me. She asked me if we were still together. As it turns out, she was dating him, knowing he was married. He wanted children. So he met her at a local bar. She was looking for a man to take care of her. In exchange she offered to give him a child. I was deeply hurt. Shocked but told her she could keep his cowardly bleep! I cut all the new clothes I bought him. Took the car keys away to the new car I bought him. I packed my stuff out of our NY apt. Moved back to my house we rented. My mother passed away two months after. So the focus was off of him. I never looked back. I found out how strong I was. I look better than ever. I dated. I met lovely men. I don't think I will ever remarry. But I do have a boyfriend now. No expectations except to enjoy my life. I will say I find many men to be cowards and weak. My only regret is I wish I had left sooner. I wish he had been honest with his pain. I lost my best friend and a family I loved. But I know he regrets how he did it. I wish I was not so trusting. Today I live my life and walk with my head up high. There isn't anything I cannot takle.

Sep 01, 2016
why he left
by: Anonymous

my wife is a great mother our son is 25 just passed the bar owns his house has a great job thanks to her love and guidance. we have been married 26 years and has no idea how to be a wife always a mother and no man wants another mother

Jul 29, 2016
These husbands are trash
by: David

Men who do this are absolute fools and I guarantee their new affairs will go down the tubes. These are self-centered clowns who can't muster what it takes to be a genuine man and live up to the vows they took to their spouse and GOD.

I truly feel for all the genuinely good women out their to whom this is happening.

Nov 19, 2011
by: Anonymous

I am really kind of scared... my husband and I have been married for going on 17 years. We just opened our own business (and he kept his regular 40 hour a week job) and for the first time can afford "whatever we need". However, the past two weeks he has been (sorry) a real ass! Stays at work for 16 hours a day. Makes excuses for why he is at work for so long. Started lying about stupid things and is really distant to our 2 boys. It is really sad and more so hurtful. So I am protecting myself and our boys and he can do whatever he feels like he has to. Good luck to everyone out there. Kim

Oct 30, 2011
In the same shoes here
by: Anonymous

My husband of 17 years is doing exactly that. He told me he was going to a conference in Dallas, but it was actually an excuse to see his high school sweetheart, with whom he reconnected after more than 20 years. He came back on the day before my birthday and announced that he was in love with this woman (who is married with two kids). He says he wants to minimize damage to our two daughters, so he is acting as if he and I are roommates. But I have decided that I do not want my daughters to think it's ok to hang on to a husband who has betrayed our marriage. I am looking for housing to move out as soon as possible.

Oct 17, 2011
another woman or not
by: Anonymous

why does it even matter if he left for another woman? Even if he left at all, without having an affair, he still shouldn't be walking out on his family, period, without giving the wife a chance or counseling with him, or something.

Oct 04, 2011
I left when he said he didn't have any interest anymore
by: Anonymous

My husband had an "emotional" affair in 2007, but I'm sure sex was involved. He wanted to leave then, but didn't.I found out about this and was devastated after 20 yrs of marriage. Totally blindsided. I have not been able to trust him since and he has since had relationships, too many texts and phone calls.So before he goes too far, if not already, I just moved out with my 14 yr of daughter last wk and I'm trying to move on. So incredibly difficult.

Oct 02, 2011
Husband left after 20 years
by: Anonymous

My husband also left after 20 years of marriage. He said he loved me but was no longer "in love" with me. He hooked up with a so called mutual friend and started living and acting like a 14 year old . He barely sees his 21 year old son who is far more mature than his father at the moment. This was 4 years ago.

He appears to be coming to the end of his "crisis", he is making overtures that seem to indicate that he wants to come back. I am not interested, there has been far too much damage.

I hope your husband will see the light before it is too late. If he continues to be with this other woman, there will come a point where you will not want him back either,

Sep 30, 2011
Love to hate in such a short time
by: Anonymous

In April this year out of the blue my husband told me he wanted to have sex with other women. He became depressed and withdrawn, started to look at sports cars and after 20 very happy loving years together walked out on me in August. On our wedding anniversary he told me we had grown apart. He was so angry and nasty. This is totally out of character. Prior to this we had a really happy relationship and did lots of things together.
I have just found out that he is now seeing someone and is besotted with her.
How can someone go from intense love to intense hate in such a short time.
None of my family or friends can believe this change.

Sep 27, 2011
by: Anonymous

My husband has also done this. After 21 years together, he came home from work one evening and announced he no longer loved me and was leaving. He too had been acting strange in the weeks prior to leaving. Discovered he too was having an affair with someone 19 years younger than him and known to the family. He also does not spend time with his children and says he doesn't have the time to do so. Have told him about mid life crisis but he is not prepared to accept this is happening to him!

Sep 23, 2011
my husband left afyer 20 years of marrisge!
by: Bewildered!

Thank you Noel, I am doing just that, trying to live my life and making plans for myself and my sons future. I will be selling our family home, its time for a fresh start with or without my husband. I have protected myself against his crazy spending too. It's a very sad painful situation but I know it will work out one way or the other and what will be will be. I will get through it and come out the other side, stronger. The husband I knew has has gone and been replaced by a selfish, arrogant man, I suspect he will not return to the marriage anytime soon, if at all. My life will get back on track and I know I will be happy again one day.

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