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my husbands midlife

The Question

My husband recently decided to leave me and my kids. He quit all his church responsibilities, unhappy in his job, living with his miserable dad, which he has a rocky relationship with, is very irritable with me about everything. I can't do anything right in his eyes.

We have been married for almost 20 years and some of the things he says to me just dont make sense. He cries about the fact that he just can't come back to me because he's done so much for everybody over the years and has got nothing in return. He says it's time for him to be happy, it's all about him right now.

He knows I love him, I've bent over backwards to try to win him back but it backfired on me. He says I'm trying to control how he feels. This is just not my husband, he has become someone I just dont recognize. Please help.

How can I get him to get help? Because I can tell him the sky is blue and he would say that it's green. What can I do?

Noel's Answer

There is probably not much you can do right now, except be detached, and let him 'do his thing'. His behaviour sounds pretty typical for a man in a midlife crisis. In the meantime, you might spend some time thinking about what you want in your life, whether he comes back or not:

  • What do you want in a relationship, with him or anyone?

  • What are your life goals? (You could check the 'Your Life Mission' page for some exercies to help with this.)

  • If he does come back, what do you need to be different in your relationship with him?

You cannot make him get help. He may come to realize that he needs help, but the more you suggest it, the more likely he is to resist it. I would suggest you send him the link for this website, but he might just see that as more interference.

There is no way to know whether he will come back, but you will need to get on with your own life either way. As long as you are bending over backward and trying to accommodate him, he may feel 'controlled', or may simply take you for granted.

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