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Not sure

I think my husband had some kind of affair last year, but won't admit it. He found fault with everything I did, e.g. loading the dishwasher, parking the car, just everything about me bugged him. He never noticed if I looked good, he was constantly girl-watching. I noticed some things too that made me quite suspicious. He even told me right out I don't have any physical proof. For a whole year he didn't buy me any gifts and told me I don't deserve anything. He would never even look me in the eye. I couldn't get him to talk about anything for a long time. He swears now he never did anything wrong, that he wouldn't do that to "us". But why can't i shake that feeling? He is 55 years old. He seems totally different now. Move loving, more attentive. I don't know what to do because I can't live with not knowing if something happened. Please help...

Noel's response

I know it can be difficult living with suspicions about your mate, but I suggest you let go of your need to find out if something did happen. You have no evidence to back up your suspicion, and it is no doubt poisoning your current relationship with him.

You might ask yourself how you would feel if you did find out something happened. Chances are you would feel worse.

Comments for Not sure

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Nov 26, 2011
by: not sure

Thanks everyone for your input and of course there is plenty more to my story that I can't go into except to say it put a great strain on me and still is. Not knowing for sure is worse than a death sentence and is something i wouldn't even wish on my worst enemy. I understand men have a hard time with things but there should come a point in life especially after being married for a number of years where there should be total trust. Problem is he broke that trust with some lies. To him it was not wanting to argue to me it almost caused a nervous breakdown to the point where I needed help. How can i let it all go if I don't know? And will he ever tell me the truth? We've argued, we've talked, we've counseled. I'm at my wits end. I love him, but he took a lot away from that. It worries me that I won't ever feel the same. Over the years we were always able to talk to each other about anything and now he holds back why?

Nov 24, 2011
Stress, depression
by: 50ish Male

Hi Not Sure:
My wife could have written your letter (almost), because I've been through tough periods (never a whole year, but months sometimes) where I get stressed from work, family obligations, etc, and then depression sets in. Every day becomes a struggle, and just smiling and saying "good morning" seems like a big challenge.

My wife, too, gets concerned when I'm like that and starts to wonder if I've fallen out of love with her and/or found someone else. I have never cheated on her and never would. It's just that sometimes life gets really hard and we men aren't so good at dealing with the heaviness of our hearts. If he's treating you nice now, count it as a blessing! Nothing will drive us men away from our women faster than a suspicious, prying wife! Love him to death; you'll both gain from it!

Nov 21, 2011
Keep working at your relationship positively
by: Anonymous

I would say if he has come back and is attentive and seems back to normal, give him the benefit of the doubt, and ask your higher power for grace to let it go. Monitor relationship but not by suspicious snooping or anything, just assess such things as; is it working for both of us,are we communicating and cooperating together, that sort of thing. Love him like you did before the suspicions arose and I believe he will respond to you in a positive way. If this is difficult perhaps you could suggest some couple counselling or at least go yourself to get over your sense of betrayal.

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