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Seperate or Divorce

The Question

We have been married for ten years. We have two small children. My husband says that he never wanted to be married and he feels empty. He will be 35 next month.

He does not want a divorce, as he says if there is any hope for us a divorce would make it final and too late. He just wants us to get along, but he loves me no matter what but not the way I want him too.

He has been talking to a younger girl and says just talking is all. He will not leave.

This has been going on four months now, but he says he has felt this way a long time, like almost two years. He says he is drained and on empty but does not know how to fix it.

What do I do! I am badly hurt, because it is like my best friend has changed with a push of a button. Do I wait it out with him or since he does not want a divorce or separation do I surprise him with a divorce?

Noel's response

I recommend before you get a divorce that you see and counsellor to help you figure out what you want in your own life, and whether there is any hope of getting it while you are with your husband.

You might also let him know that whether he wants a divorce or not, it is definitely an option for you, and that if he does not get some counselling to help him get past his empty feeling, you will leave.

Comments for Seperate or Divorce

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Aug 09, 2011
by: Anonymous

I am in exactly the same situation-I could have sworn that you all were me and I had already written the text. Our Therapist also recommended a deadline. Which will be here on the 23rd of August 2011. My spouse will not go and continues to mention that he wakes up wanting a divorce. I have told him if that is what he wants he needs to leave, yet he will not go, told the therapist he could live in 'limbo' for forever with me, our therapist just looked at my husband, chuckled and said-I know, but your wife can't. I have known something was wrong from November 2010, but my spouse advised it started in 2007.
I still call it the 'nightmare'. I find myself getting close to his hole and sometimes I am afraid I am going to fall in.
Best wishes.

May 02, 2010
What about giving him a deadline?
by: Anonymous

I have almost the same exact situation as "separate or divorce" except that I do not believe I should be the one seeking the divorce. If he wants it, he should get it. The problem is that he is stringing me along it's been over 4 months. He doesn't want to stay but he doesn't want to leave meanwhile I am in "limbo". I feel I am not free to live my life. My question is how about giving him a deadline? That way he is forced to make a decision. How would a midlifer react to one? What are your thoughts?

I agree. A deadline can make a spouse take responsibility. Be prepared for the answer to be divorce, but he might also seriously consider what he has to gain and lose, and decide to give it another go.
You must also know whether you want to stay or go, and if you decide you want to continue with the marriage, know what you want in your relationship going forward.

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