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Sex, Love, Father figure to my kid

I am 32 and my boyfriend is 37. We met online and fell in love. I am very outgoing, he is not. I have a five year old. My bf is very devoted to us and we have spoken many times about moving in together, buying a house, having a baby, etc. We have been together only 3 months so we aren't jumping into anything but after many relationships this one seems very promising. So here's the deal:

1. our sex life sucks. He works hard everyday so he is very tired in the evening and even when we do do it it doesn't have that spark that I've had with other men. I haven't had an orgasm in months (which has always been a problem - I'd rather this not be the focus of my story). So there is that.

2. He also gets really grumpy and down on himself, thinks he's boring, doesn't talk much, and I am starting to get really worried. My self esteem is not great, but I am very verbal about it and am going back to therapy soon.

I don't know how to help him and I'm afraid we are headed for a very "satisfactory" (ie not great or excellent) life together. He is exactly what I have been looking for in many ways, but I really admire confidence in a man. I love him.

How do I talk to him about this? How can I tell him that I can't really help him if he doesn't start working on himself? That I'm afraid that our future is not as bright as we hope?

Noel's response

You are at least forewarned, so are not committed to marriage yet. That is a good thing. Keep in mind the old expression "women marry men expecting them to change, and they don't. Men marry women expecting them not to change, and they do." I suspect he is not going to change.

The only way I know of to talk to him about it, is to tell him pretty much what you have said in this question - you are worried about your future together because of X and Y, and would like him to work on himself, probably through therapy.

If he has many of the traits you are looking for in a man, but lacks the ones you describe here, you may have to simply decide whether they balance out enough to commit to marriage with him.

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