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Sudden change about loving one's partner

by Rose


My husband made a DVD of slides from his teenage years. He says that that was a trigger for him to leave me--his wife of 30 years-- and to go out to seek what he needs. He doesn't yet know what that is, but he all of a sudden doesn't love me anymore. He also sought a "friend who would understand him" online, i.e. a girlfriend. He left, had sex with girlfriend, came back, dropped girlfriend, started seeking people on singles' sites, had secret e-mail addresses, etc. I love the man, adore the man. He always seemed to love me, and then he does this. Of course I'm devastated, totally puzzled, etc.

What could be going on? At this same age, his father had medical problems that supposedly caused Lewey bodies syndrome. I really don't think this is my husband's problem, but I have to include that as part of his medical history.

I want to understand because I love him so much, but I have to know if he is just a jerk, or if I need to hang in there. He keeps doing things that gives me mixed signals. I am a Christian; he is not. I believe that God moves in mysterious ways, but how do I know what is from God, and what is from my own selfish desire to have my husband back, loving me as he has always professed to? I want to obey God, and I want my husband to find God.

I have always done things according to husband's way. Now I feel that was a mistake, because look what happened.

Noel's Answer:

First let me say I get a lot of emails similar to yours. Men who love their wives, suddenly "don't love them anymore", and leave the marriage.

Sometimes they ask to come back, sometimes they don't.

I personally know a number of men who have left their wives, had relationships with other women, then a year or so later, realize what a mistake they have made, and ask to come back to the marriage.

What I think is often going on is that the men are in a transition, and are incorporating more of their 'inner feminine'. Sometimes, their project the 'ideal maiden' energy onto another woman, and project their 'mother' energy onto their wife.

The upshot is that they see this other woman in an almost mystical light, and after leaving the marriage to be with the other woman, only later to find the other woman is not mystical at all, but just another human being.

The man is looking outside for what can only be found inside.

I am about to publish a book for midlife men that will have a section about this kind of behaviour. Unfortunately, it won't be ready for publication for another month or so.

My suggestion for you is that you decide what you want in your life, with or without him, and should he decide to come back, make sure you get what you want in the relationship from here forward. Should he not come back, you will know what kind of life you want, with or without a man.


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